


Of sleepless nights

by Livvinamess



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boo Seungkwan is Whipped, Boo Seungkwan is a panicked gay as well, Canon Compliant, Chwe Hansol is a mess, Chwe Hansol is a panicked gay, Chwe Hansol | Vernon Being An Idiot, Chwe Hansol | Vernon is Whipped, Chwe Hansol | Vernon-centric, Fluff, He is just really slow, Just slightly less panicked, M/M, and clueless, i guess?, it's fluffy, the rest are only slightly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:40:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21983806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livvinamess/pseuds/Livvinamess
Summary: Vernon was never good at life, clueless half of the time, making rushed decisions, and if he was being honest he had no idea how he made it that far, when it came to feelings he was just as lost, maybe a little more, and when it came to Seungkwan he was definetly a lot more clueless that he would have liked to admit.Or, Vernon is in love, he just doesn't really knows yet.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon
Comments: 7
Kudos: 115





	Of sleepless nights

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovelies.  
> I am here to bring what was supossed to be a christmas present, even if the fic itself is not really christmas-y at all, I procrastinated with the editing so it's coming out a little late than expected.  
> This has been on my drafts for a while now, I wrote this around the Oh My era so you all can do the math, but I wasn't comfortable back then when it came to posting, so this baby is seeing the light today as a small present for my beautiful friends who keep cheering on me.  
> It might still not be perfect, considering I edited it myself, but I did try my best so I hope you still enjoy it regardless.  
> Funny fact, but I actually forgot how to write ''White'' when I was editing this, it took me a while to figure it out.  
> Anyways, I hope yall like it.  
> Kudos and comments are always really appreciated.

It was unusual for Vernon to fell homesick, with such a tight schedule as an idol and so many things in his head he was supposed to do he barely got time to _be_ homesick, or think about his home at all, but yet still, there he was, on the small white couch they kept against one of the corners near the kitchen, lying down, looking at the stars in the sky through the small window and wondering if his family was watching the same sky, if his mother was somewhere looking at the same dark clouds, thinking of the same things he was.

It was unusual for Vernon to cry, Vernon rarely broke down to that point, where tears would overflow with too much emotions. It was unusual for Vernon to fell just so desperate to go back to when he was just a kid, but sometimes nostalgia won the best of him, and on nights like those, he sat somewhere comfortable, just looking at the pitch black sky wondering where the stars had gone to.

The stars helped him, to feel close to that childhood he was slowly forgetting.

He guessed making new memories was part of life, he needed to let go of some of those, but it was hard, and when nostalgia kicked in, Vernon was forced to cling to those old memories desperately, whishing things stayed easy, like how they were back then.

Maybe he was just feeling homesick because of a that goodnight call with his mother, and he was feeling nostalgic because he had to force himself now to sleep without receiving that small good night his mother used to give him, he was forced to create new memories where the warm of childhood was not surrounding him whenever he went to bed.

That’s why he found himself just lying there, his cheeks a little puffy and sticky thanks to some dried out tears he refused to acknowledge, clinging on a pillow as if it was his lifeline, just looking at a sky that had nothing to offer but pollution and darkness, and he felt lonely, a little, even though he had no reason to, considering the fact that he lived with other twelve guys, that were currently sleeping soundly inside their own rooms.

But it was still there, the helpless loneliness he couldn’t quite understand.

He tried to be really quiet while curling on himself in the couch, but he guessed he wasn’t really quiet enough when he saw a figure standing on the far corner of the room, covered by the night shadows…Or maybe it wasn’t his fault someone woke up, maybe one of the boys just needed to pee, there were twelve of them, it was a usual occurrence for them to wake at night. One way or another, the person was still going to see Vernon on the couch and, as lonely as he felt, he didn’t want company, not now at least.

‘’Vernon?’’ It was Seungkwan, and as much as Vernon wanted to cling onto his old memories, as much as he wanted to stop the new ones from appearing, Seungkwan was a new memory he was not afraid to cling onto. ‘’ What are you doing up so late?’’ He was sleepy, Vernon could tell, by the way he rubbed his eyes, trying to awake himself a little bit more, by the way his voice sounded rough and a little slurred.

Vernon smiled, because in that night when he just wanted to look back and stop moving forwards, Seungkwan was someone he could rely on, a person that would drag him slowly to a forwards he was afraid to face.

‘’We have a schedule tomorrow.’’ And now that Seungkwan had stepped a little closer, under the soft light of the moon, Vernon could see his honey hair a little messy, and his white pajamas falling gently over his frame, his eyes were puffy from sleep, half closed, and he was dragging himself towards the couch, trying not to stumble over anything around him as if not to awake anybody else.

‘’I know.’’ Vernon whispered, a little out of breath, because the sight was mesmerizing, almost as much as the stars he was looking for in the darkness.

‘’You can’t sleep, huh?’’ Vernon pried his eyes away from Seungkwan, looking back at the small window over the couch, the sky was pitch black, and he still got no clue from where he small ray of light came from, but it was touching Seungkwan’s face softly and there was something about the sight that was making his heart speed up.

He felt the couch weight shift when Seungkwan sat next to him, they were close, Vernon could feel Seungkwan’s body heath from where he was seating, and it felt nice, having him so close on such a cold night, the loneliness was still present, but suddenly he didn’t feel so helpless anymore, Seungkwan’s natural scent and comforting presence were enough for him to breathe a little bit better.

‘’Are you feeling alright?’’ Seungkwan questioned, making him look back at the boy’s face, this close together and so close to the window, Vernon could see Seungkwan’s face better, the light was definitely doing a great job making Seungkwan look just so…beautiful it made him breathless, the moonlight felt different over Seungkwan’s skin.

Vernon wanted to ignore the question, this close together he was sure Seungkwan could see his puffy eyes and his red cheeks, his face was probably the one of someone who had been crying, praying Seungkwan would let it go was in vain, then again, this close to each other, Vernon felt the need to just talk, talk about it, it was Seungkwan after all, and there was something about Seungkwan’s presence.

‘’I just…’’ There was something about Seungkwan’s presence that was making him want to talk about but it didn’t mean it was actually easy to say anything out loud, it sounded silly even in his head. ‘’…No…I don’t feel good.’’ He settled for that.

Seungkwan’s features changed under the dim light, and Vernon’s heart did a thing where it almost stopped and then just raced, blood rushing through his ears.

‘’Do you…want to talk about it?’’ It wasn’t a _What’s wrong?_ Like Seungcheol usually asked, it wasn’t a _Let’s talk, now_ Like Jun demanded when he noticed something off, it wasn’t aggressive or demanding, or nosy and gossip-y like the rest of them, it was – Even though he heard it before, even though it was common – _It was_ something purely Seungkwan, there was something about the way he said it, the tone he used, that made the sentence _his_ , there was a secureness settling down on his stomach, it was okay to talk, because it was Seungkwan.

‘’No.’’ He replied honestly, and Seungkwan didn’t seem hurt, or offended, he just nodded, scooting closer towards him, getting his legs up fully on the couch, hugging his knees and putting his head over them, looking at the dark sky Vernon seemed so mesmerized on watching.

It was silent for a second, the time passing comfortably, minutes Vernon was not sure were to stare at, because as much as he wanted to look into the sky searching for the stars, Seungkwan was just as calming and just as beautiful.

‘’Were you looking for the stars?’’ Seungkwan asked softly, Vernon could only nod, not really wanting to disturb the quiet. ‘’They are still there; you know?’’ He whispered, and even though Vernon already knew that, he kept quiet, because hearing him talk was making his clinging loose, the pillow he was holding so hard was slowly being released from his dead grip, as well as the memories he was holding so hard into.

Forwards didn’t look so bad when Seungkwan was in it.

‘’If you look close enough, there are some of them shining through.’’ He squinted at the window, as if trying to spot at least one little dot shining through.

Vernon stopped alternating his vision between Seungkwan and the dark sky just so he could concentrate fully on Seungkwan, who was hugging his knees to keep warm, who was squinting at the sky, who was incredibly sleepy and probably came to the living room to do something else but talk to him about _stars,_ yet stayed because he saw him there having a hard time, and he couldn’t help the little laugh coming out of his mouth, it was small, quiet, but genuine.

Seungkwan looked a little offended by Vernon’s laughter.

‘’I’m trying to be serious, you know?’’ He complained to him, hitting him lightly on the shoulder. ‘’Why are you laughing? Stop!’’ And even though Seungkwan was moaning in annoyance, Vernon saw the small smile in his lips, too.

‘’It’s just…’’ He began, shrugging with that smile still on his lips _It’s just…It seems like the only thing I needed right now was you._ ‘’…I knew that already.’’ He replied instead, his smile growing more when Seungkwan smiled at him back.

‘’You just seemed like you needed someone to remind you’’ His heart skipped a beat again, there was more meaning to it than Seungkwan was giving himself credit for… _Needed someone to_ _remind you…to remind you that not everything changes that fast, to remind you some things are still the same._

Vernon snorted even when the blood rushed again to his ears, even when his heart was speeding fast. ‘’Are you saying I’m stupid?’’ He answered instead, playfully, Seungkwan opened his eyes in surprise. ‘’That I am _so_ stupid I need someone to remind me the stars didn’t, in fact, disappear from the sky?’’ He faked a small offended noise that got Seungkwan a little flustered, who took the pillow Vernon was holding just to throw it back at him with a flushed smile.

‘’ That’s. Not. What. I. Meant’’ And with each word he went back on hitting him with the pillow, thing that got Vernon laughing lightly.

When Seungkwan stopped, they both stood quiet, smiling, and it felt nice, even when his mind kept rushing with holding back onto things Vernon didn’t want to forget, having Seungkwan right in front of him reminded him why he kept going, why he _should_ keep going, keep moving forwards, so he went back to lying fully on his back, huffing happily.

‘’You should go to sleep.’’ He whispered to Seungkwan, the boy tapped his leg.

‘’I’m not, not if you are going to keep looking at the window like that.’’ And Vernon smiled again, the silence settling between them was nice, a silence Vernon was used to, because with Seungkwan he didn’t always need words.

He hesitated before breaking the silence again ‘’Thanks.’’ He whispered, and he couldn’t see Seungkwan, but, by the way the boy squeezed his knee, he knew Seungkwan was probably smiling back at him.

‘’Are you planning on sharing that blanket with me or am I going to freeze to death here?’’ And Vernon laughed loudly at that, a little too loud considering it was probably really late in the night, and in a small movement, he made space next to him for Seungkwan on the couch , and when he was settled a little too close, Vernon threw the single blanket over them, forcing both a little bit closer.

For a moment, Vernon was praying Seungkwan couldn’t feel how fast his heart was racing, how hot his cheeks felt and how much his hands were sweating, he was hoping the boy wouldn’t notice, but when his confused mind started wondering _why_ , why did he felt like that, why his heart felt like bursting, why suddenly cuddling on the couch with Seungkwan felt different like how it felt when they used to do it before, back when they were training, he knew something was different, he just couldn’t tell what.

It was like…his heart had figured something out but his mind was too slow to keep up with it.

He couldn’t get himself to wonder about it anymore, his mind started shutting down even when his heart was screaming at him, his thoughts getting lost on Seungkwan’s warmth next to him, because when Seungkwan was _there_ , so close, making him feel so warm, so safe, he realized it was alright, it was going to be alright, as long as he had that boy next to him.

°|°|°|°|°|°|°|°

It was a little too early in the morning, those early hours where the sun was already out, shining slightly, and the grass was humid and the air still felt cold from the night but the sun was doing its job on warming everything little by little.

Vernon was conscious enough to barely hold a cup of coffee without dropping it, it was still too early for his mind to work properly, he had been sleeping less and less the past few days, and his sleep deprived mind just hoped Seungcheol knew where they were going, because he had no idea.

If Vernon was being honest, he was clueless about a lot of things half of the time, he just wished sometimes he wasn’t clueless about _everything_.

Lately it seemed his mind decided to be clueless about _feelings_ as well and he had no idea how to deal with them.

His life just depended on a bunch of poor last minutes choices, life just moved forwards without Vernon realizing it (hence he was so confused about everything around him half of the time) But he managed well, he had lived so long without having a clue on what was happening or how he made it that far, but…The thing about life is that it involved _feelings_ , and the thing about feelings is that Vernon was supposed to actually control them, understand them, he couldn’t go around just hoping they would go away.

He was not good at handling them, and he had no clue if how he was feeling lately was normal.

‘’You did pick up the right order, didn’t you?’’ Seungcheol said, his voice resonated nicely over the empty streets so early in the morning, and Vernon hummed in agreement even when he was not sure what the other boy asked or if the coffee was the correct one, however, Seungcheol was pleased with the answer. ‘’ Good.’’

There was a nice silence Vernon would have enjoyed any other time, this time in particular, however, the silence was a little bit too much, a little bit to quiet, and his heart started drumming loudly against his chest, screaming at him again with a newfound feeling he was not sure what to make of, and his mind was refusing to understand the words by going into its own cycle of screaming a panicked **_WHAT_** over and over, so loudly it blocked whatever his heart was trying to say.

It has been like that for a while, it was worse when he did as much as just gaze at Seungkwan, whenever he was near the boy his heart seemed to scream louder, and it didn’t stop tormenting him when he was alone with his own thoughts.

_Is that normal? Is there something wrong? **What’s going on?**_

‘’Where are we going?’’ Vernon asked in attempts to divert his focus into something else that wasn’t his erratic heart and panicked thoughts, a yawn escaped his mouth midway and the face mask he was wearing muffled the words, but the streets were still calm enough, silent enough, for Seungcheol to hear him clearly.

‘’Jeonghan…’’ Seungcheol yawned, rubbing his tired eyes while trying not to spill any of the other three cups of coffee they had bought. ‘’ He called me this morning,’’ And Vernon didn’t dare to think at what time did the poor leader woke up because it was already pretty damn early ‘’Apparently he is at the studio with a sleep deprived Jihoon, he talked a lot but I honestly didn’t understand half of what he said,’’ He rubbed his eyes again, cursing softly when some droplets of hot coffee dripped on his shirt.

Vernon stared at the questionable amount of cups of coffee they were currently carrying and wondered if a sleep deprived Jihoon and an early awoken Jeonghan would need three cups of coffee each, but decided not to question Seungcheol choices, he must know what he was doing, so he kept quiet, trailing lazily behind Seungcheol while he led the path towards the building, which didn’t take long to find.

The contrast inside the building was different from outside on the streets, inside it was almost deadly quiet, a few people were already trying hard to work without falling asleep, some of them giving the boys a funny look, maybe because it was still too early for people to be roaming around, or maybe because they were basically walking on coffee stained pajamas without showering properly, the stares were almost as intimidating as the silence surrounding the whole place.

Maybe that’s why he got so surprised when they reached the studio.

Getting inside the studio – A small space big enough to work but not enough to be a functional one – Was like getting hit with a brick of noise and loudness straight in the face, there was too much noise inside, screaming people Vernon realized he didn’t see at breakfast, music playing faintly in the background, just them hanging around really early in the morning.

Jihoon was seating on a far corner wrapped around some old blankets, noticing the coffee before he actually noticed them, making grabbing hands at the cup Seungcheol was holding with no attempts on standing up, Jeonghan was all a mess of limbs spreading on the floor near the white board they used for brainstorming, that was currently covered in awfully drawn doodles he kept adding to, Jeonghan seemed amused still drawing badly drawn things on it.

And there, on the couch, Chan was lying down with his headphones on hitting with his foot an overdramatic Seungkwan that was trying hard to get his attention. Vernon felt _something_ at the sight, because Seungkwan wouldn’t usually let anybody see him so early in the morning when he obviously hasn’t showered or went through his extensive skin care morning routine.

The boys were still using the clothes they had worn the previous day, except for Seungkwan who definitely changed his shirt to a cotton one so he could sleep, every other material would have _irritated his skin_ , as he complained.

‘’You really need to stop doing this,’’ Seungcheol whined when he got inside, startling Jeonghan and Seungkwan, who greeted them a little too enthusiastically. ‘’You have dropped too low, Lee Jihoon, kidnapping the kids to work for you all night?’’ And he made slowly his way towards Jihoon, handling him the cup of coffee while shaking his head in disapproval. From the corner of his eye he saw Seungkwan straightening his messy hair with difficulty a little too quickly.

‘’You know what they say, the shorter you are the closest to hell.’’ Jeonghan bravely said out loud, getting a cushion thrown at his head by Jihoon with too much strength for someone who stayed awake all night.

Vernon was trying to get inside, but Jeonghan was pretty much blocking his way, lying down in the floor, so he was just content looking at the boys from the door, Chan and Seungkwan went back to the bickering, and Jihoon was almost disappearing in the mess of blankets.

‘’I didn’t kidnap them,’’ Jihoon was whining now, it was probably too early for this. The shorter boy noticed Vernon standing awkwardly on entrance, and nodded towards him as his way of greeting, which was good, a sleep deprived Jihoon was usually unpredictable.

‘’You are right, he didn’t, they joined voluntary,’’ Jeonghan said, still lying on the floor with the cushion Jihoon threw _still_ over his head, Seungcheol joined him on the spot next to the white board before he continued. ‘’It was like a…fun slumber party!’’ At that, the boy threw his arms over his head for emphasis, but that was as much as he moved, not attempting to stand up, sit up or remove the pillow.

Vernon caught Seungkwan smiling up at the boy on the floor, with a small snort that made his heart stutter, Seungkwan was looking different, maybe because that side of himself that he was not willing to show the fans he showed so freely to them, he felt his insides warming and a smile threatening to leave his face when Seungkwan proceeded to remove that pillow from Jeonghan’s head and threw it at Chan in a playful manner, giggling the only way Seungkwan was able to do, the only way that made his heart speed.

Vernon sighed.

‘’It wasn’t supposed to be a slumber party,’’ Jihoon mumbled ‘’…Or fun.’’ he added then, mumbling for himself more things Vernon couldn’t hear but was hoping made sense.

‘’How did it go?’’ Vernon asked softly then, trying to walk over Jeonghan’s body to get to the couch ‘’You know? The whole…producing the melody and stuff?’’ Seungkwan _finally_ caught his eyes, and smiled at him a good morning smile, his heart started screaming, and there was something about Seungkwan’s bare face, about Seungkwan smiling at him like that with his messy hair and puffy eyes, that got him blushing, that got his heart racing and his mind blank, he looked different, he looked…he looked…

_Beautiful, he looks beautiful._

Before anyone could answer, though, Seungcheol spoke.

‘’We brought you coffee,’’ He stated, showing off the bag with three cups he had in hand and pointing at Vernon’s bag with other three, Chan didn’t hesitate taking the bag Vernon was holding to roam around it, sniffing the cups for something that smelled good. ‘’As a reward for your hard work’’

‘’Gee, thank you.’’ Jeonghan answered sarcastically. ‘’Next time we stay so late would you bring a beagle, too?’’

After taking his second cup, Jihoon started talking about the melody for the new song, and how the lyrics was still missing, but it was still progress considering how annoying the guys were and how unhelpful they were to him the night before.

Vernon sat down next to Seungkwan on the couch, still listening to Jihoon rambling, but his mind kind off zoned out when his eyes landed on the boy, he was smiling proudly, making comments and complaining when Jihoon called him annoying, and just seeing him with so much energy so early in the morning made him feel better already.

‘’Do you want to hear it?’’ Seungkwan asked him suddenly, throwing him off guard, _did he catch him staring?_ ‘’The melody, I mean. Jihoon is not letting anybody listen to it until is fully finished and approved but—‘’ He got closer the him, making signs for Vernon to keep quiet, as if he was about to share the biggest secret ever, and Vernon pretended that didn’t affect his heart speed or the way it suddenly decide to start screaming back at him. ‘’—I recorded it without him knowing.’’ And Vernon smiled under the face mask, nodding slowly, ignoring the small blush tinting his cheeks.

Seungkwan smiled brightly, that smiled that said he was about to do something he shouldn’t, and a nervous giggle escaped his mouth when he pulled out his headphones from the pocket to plug them into the phone. Sharing headphones forced them closer together, and the melody that came out from them was very sweet, calming, a little muffled and distant with a lot of background sounds, but it still had a certain feeling to it that got Vernon…Nervous, Seungkwan was smiling over the nice tune and his heart couldn’t help but scream louder.

It felt different, something felt different, and the upbeat but sweet tune was not helping him.

_You write about this all the time, you sing about this all the time, how are you still confused about it? Are you blind or something?_

_Oh god, what am I going to do?_

Seungkwan was talking to him about something over the music, something on how he helped on that part or how cool it sounded, but Vernon’s mind got distracted, couldn’t help but wonder around, his eyes catching the way Seungkwan’s lips moved when he spoke but his ears not registering a word, just letting the sweet sound of his voice mix with the music, his eyes caught on many things, his hands moving excitedly with his story, his cheeks getting pink when he felt too proud, his eyes sparkling with excitement and…and the bags under his eyes, the purplish color getting darker, how he yawned a little too many times in a span of five seconds.

Even though he was still talking excitedly, trying to keep the emotion going, Vernon knew Seungkwan was tired, if the millionth yawn getting caught on his words was something to go for, so without thinking much, he pushed the cup of paper coffee he was holding towards his friend, Seungkwan taking it hesitantly.

‘’You look tired,’’ He whispered when he realized Seungkwan was staring at him. ‘’I…I ordered for myself so it’s not, I mean, not sour…I know you don’t like…um…black coffee, I just thought—’’ He cleared his throat, thankful that the face mask covered his cheeks slightly, because under Seungkwan’s stare he seemed to lose it a lot, a blushing mess and everything. ‘’You seemed to need it more than I do.’’

He hoped his own fatigue didn’t show, he rather had Seungkwan drink the coffee, and when the boy smiled Vernon couldn’t help by clear his throat again and look away slightly.

‘’Then I shall drink it.’’ Seungkwan made his voice sound funny, like when he used to read those night stories to Samuel when they were trainees, making it a little bit lower than it was with an accent he was not sure where it came from. ‘’I mean, if you can tell I’m tired just by looking at my face then I guess I must look horrible.’’

Vernon was about to protest, he didn’t mean anything by giving Seungkwan the coffee, he just wanted his friend to wake up a little bit more, be prepared for the day, but Seungkwan interrupted with a laugh before he could even speak.

‘’I’ll drink the coffee so I can be beautiful again.’’ And it was ridiculous, the whole thing was ridiculous, Seungkwan was using a voice again, a voice a pitch higher than his normal one, blinking his eyelashes rapidly while his hands came around to cup his own cheeks in one of those flower poses in a lazy attempt at aegyo.

If his heart wasn’t screaming at him louder than his mind could block the sound, he would have punched Seungkwan for being such an embarrassment, he just laughed whole-heartedly, covering his eyes while groaning just to demonstrate how it had scarred him for life, how it had traumatized and hurt his pupils.

And there, at the back of his head, something felt _different_ , it was as if his mind was piecing things together little by little, but Vernon was not sure what any of it meant.

He was clueless half of the time, and he guessed that’s why he panicked when he realized things started changing so fast without him noticing until it was too late, when he realized he was supposed to face a future he was not ready to face yet, and he knew, _he felt it_ , how something clicked, how something definitely was different, how his heart was still screaming and his mind had suddenly joined in the chants, but it was still confusing.

Not knowing what changed, not knowing how it could affect him, should have been a scary thing, he should be panicking by now, but because it was Seungkwan, because the boy was laughing with him loudly, because the boy was making weird voices while he kept talking, because the boy kept sharing music with him even though Jihoon’s melody already stopped, _because it was Seungkwan_ , Vernon didn’t feel scared at all, he couldn’t get himself to do it.

And so, he let himself be soaked by the morning light, by Seungkwan’s laugh, by Seungkwan, breathing in his coffee like scent at the moment, his still messy hair, his sweet voice even when he was making it sound silly, he let himself be soaked by that, and even thought Jihoon was fighting someone at the back, even though Chan was screaming loudly beside them, even though Jeonghan was moaning irritated, Vernon felt calm.

For the first time in a long time he didn’t feel scared to be completely clueless.

°|°|°|°|°|°|°

It all came down to him a really late night, around two in the morning, when he was outside on a twenty-four hour service convenience store eating cold overcooked ramen with Jihoon and Chan after a long day in the studio trying to get the arrangements of the songs set up, he felt tired, which was understandable, he usually never stayed up that late.

The ramen might have been actually really bad, cold and salty, but for someone whose last meal was lunch, it tasted heavenly on Vernon’s mouth.

They were supposed to get back at the dorms at eleven, but Jihoon, as the responsible one between them, decided to ignore Jeonghan’s angry calls and Seungcheol’s scolding voice mails to keep working, he was inspired and inspiration was not easy to grasp, if the security guard working the late shift hadn’t kicked them out, they would have probably kept working for a few more hours.

The place was quiet, aside of the soft rumble of the air conditioning and Chan’s voice complaining to the cashier that his noodles where cold and tasted badly, Vernon and Jihoon had been eating in silence for a good five minutes, just staring at the window, probably regretting live choices because they had an early schedule in a few hours and they were on a convenience store eating ramen instead of sleeping.

‘’What’s gotten into you lately?’’ Jihoon asked quietly, the slurping sound he made afterwards an ugly contrast with his soft voice. Vernon stared confused, a spoon full of salty soup midways towards his mouth.

On the back the heard Chan’s demanding a new serving of good cooked noodles.

‘’What do you mean?’’ It was hard to understand the words coming out of his mouth when it was stuffed with rice and salty soup, his appetite might not be as big as it was when he first started eating, but the noodles still tasted good. Jihoon seemed to understand him, though, making a disgusted face after seeing him trying to talk with a mouth full of food.

‘’For someone who waits around until the song is finished you were oddly helpful today at the studio.’’ Vernon wasn’t sure if Jihoon meant that as a praise or and observation, it could even be an insult, he had a passive-aggressive way of talking that was just confusing. ‘’I mean, you rather got overly confident on your producing skills overnight or you like someone.’’ Vernon might have chocked on an overcooked noodle after those words left his mouth.

There, buried inside his chest, his heart started beating a little bit faster, screaming back at him words too loud for him to made sense of.

‘’Can’t I just help without you assuming strange things?’’ His heart screamed louder, because it was a joke, his friend meant those words as a joke, but there was a truth behind those words that it was a little hard for his heart to ignore, Jihoon snorted at that, setting the cold noodles aside with a gesture that seemed a little disgusted.

_Was he the only one enjoying the ramen?_

‘’I’m not assuming anything.’’ Jihoon shrugged. ‘’It just…it feels different somehow, the lyrics, it’s different.’’ And Vernon wanted to joke about, how would it be different in any kind of way? It was what they wrote about on a daily basis, what they knew to write about.

But he remained quiet, because deep down he knew, this was different, too.

‘’I’m just saying, if you like someone, great, use it, we need that emotion.’’ Jihoon crossed his arms ‘’And if you don’t, well, just hold that inspiration like a lifeline, we really need to write the lyrics and whatever it is that’s gotten into you is helping _, a lot._ ’’

_It was a joke_ , Vernon told himself, _it was a joke and he needed to let it go_ , Jihoon certainly didn’t mean to start a conversation about _feelings_ out of all things, he was not good at handling them hence he was not good at talking about them, but even though Vernon knew it was a joke, that Jihoon didn’t mean to trigger hidden emotions, he did, and now his mind was racing, and his heart was screaming and he couldn’t just stop, he couldn’t just let it go now.

His mind had grasped something akin to _knowing_ what the heck was going on back when he was seating with Seungkwan in that sunny morning a few days back, it grabbed something, _something clicked_ , but he still couldn’t understand _what was it_ or _why_ , but now, now that Jihoon brought that up, now that Jihoon pointed something out, Vernon was grasping at that feeling again, the feeling of understanding what his heart was so persistent on screaming.

It felt different, he knew it felt different, when he was seating there with Jihoon writing lyrics to something he felt too familiar with, yet he had never experienced before, it felt different listening to the melody, the same melody Seungkwan had showed to him, it felt different, but a good kind of different, a different that Vernon wanted to hold on, a different Vernon wanted to keep exploring through lyrics and music, because it was easier that way, to deal with his feelings that way.

_But why? Why was it so different this time?_ What made him want to hold on the melody and write his heart away? What made him feel like pouring his emotions through a song was relief to his screaming heart and confused mind? What was it this time that made everything so different?

‘’Can you believe I still had to pay for this horrible food?’’ It was far, Chan’s voice coming from somewhere around him, but his mind was not registering the words, was not registering his environment, it was just focused, repeating over and over _why why why,_ focusing so hard on finding an answer in the screams of a confused heart.

_It wasn’t that different, was it?_

_Then why did his heart it felt like bursting, why did it feel so deep, so much?_

‘’It isn’t that bad, Chan.’’

_It’s maybe just a lucky wave of inspiration._

_Then why does it feel like drowning? Why does it feel like drowning if he doesn’t let them out? Why does it hurt when he can’t say any of it out loud?_

‘’What do you mean is not that bad? This tastes horrible!’’

_Why can’t he say it out loud? What exactly can’t he say out loud?_

Vernon gave credit to himself for being clueless all the time and still managing to live through everything, but this time, being clueless about what’s happening, about why does it suddenly feels so different writing lyrics to a song, as to why he suddenly can’t voice all his feelings out loud, as to why his mind keeps replaying a moment over and over again at night that makes his heart scream making it impossible to sleep, as to why he simply can’t understand anything.

It frustrates him, it frustrates him a lot.

His heart started screaming louder, louder than it did before, rising its speed, bumping against his chest with the same frustration he feels, but this time, this time his mind doesn’t stop the screams to form the clear words, his mind doesn’t block the sound to make it incomprehensible, his mind just stays quiet, letting his heart voice out the frustrations Vernon kept to himself for too long.

It clicks, it finally clicks.

‘’Well, if you think is that bad then go fight the cashier, don’t get bratty on me, I did nothing wrong!’’

‘’What kind of advice is that? You are asking me to fight the cashier for better food! I don’t want to fight the cashier for better food’’

It clicks and _god_ did it felt weird.

He knows, now he knows.

Why his mind felt rested when he wrote his feelings in a piece of paper, how his heart hurt because it wasn’t him fully expressing himself, because it was him trying to lie, to lie about the fact that deep down he knew, deep down he always knew, he knows now why the nights seemed so cold and long, why he couldn’t get his mind to sleep, to rest properly, he knows now why his mind kept bringing the same memory over and over, why it got worse on the past few days having…having him so close.

Now he knew, now he knew that the only one haunting his heart and making his mind confused was Seungkwan, now he knew it had always been Seungkwan.

But, as much as he knew now, he also couldn’t understand.

He couldn’t understand fully why memories from when they were trainees, barely fifteen years old, fooling around trying to grow together, haunted him at night, why he couldn’t close his eyes without feeling like something was missing. He couldn’t understand fully why suddenly, in the past few weeks, his heart went crazy about it, screaming constantly when the boy was around, why his mind had the need to express those confused feelings through songs, through melodies, why he suddenly felt heavy, with giddiness and fear instead of just feeling light that he finally knew.

He… _he liked Seungkwan_ , he liked him a lot…Then why was he so confused, why did it the feeling felt stronger? Why did it felt heavier? Why just saying he liked him was not good enough for his screaming heart? Why couldn’t he seem to find the right word to the sudden burst of feelings?

‘’Maybe I do.’’ He said, breathless, shaking, because the sudden outburst was overwhelming him too much, because Jihoon was right, and as soon as those words left his mouth he felt terrified, he felt terrified to say anything else out loud.

‘’What? Fight the cashier?’’ And _Oh, he forgot Chan was there._ ‘’Because we were just saying that jokingly, Vernon, we don’t plan on really fight anyone tonight, but maybe you can flirt with her, see if that helps.’’ _This was not good, this was not good at all_ , he had completely forgotten Chan was there, too, that if he started talking now he was going to do it not just in front of Jihoon, the one who had no clue how to deal with his own emotions, but also Chan, who wouldn’t be helpful at all.

Vernon was stuck, with overwhelming feelings, scary thoughts, and the only two people in the whole group that where utter garbage at dealing with emotions, both cold, both awkward when it came to it.

In hindsight, talking with them about feelings was bid to disaster, he should have stopped there, talk about it later with Seungcheol, dammit, even Joshua and his witty lame comments would have been better to talk about it than the boys in front of him, but Vernon’s heart screamed at him again, he got this far, he needed to let it out, keep going, enough of being confused by himself.

So yeah, in hindsight it was a terrible idea, but Vernon had no way of stopping now.

He turned to look at Jihoon directly in the eyes, ignoring Chan, ignoring his gaze or his talking, he felt his cheeks grew and he tried to convey his emotion of terror and panic through his eyes, Jihoon just didn’t seem to take the hint.

‘’No, no, it’s not that.’’ He said, and he prayed his voice was actually audible, because suddenly the air conditioning felt too loud and the street noise too much. ‘’I… _Maybe I do_. Maybe I do like someone.’’ Jihoon’s eyes widened in surprise, while Chan snorted confused.

‘’What are you talking about?’’ Chan said, and Vernon decided right there that he was going to ignore him, Jihoon was the oldest here, Jihoon had to know something, and Chan was just being annoying.

_Calming breaths, Vernon, Calming breaths, take it easy._

Jihoon said nothing, which sent Vernon’s heart screaming with a newfound type of panic, _he was going to have to talk about it._

‘’Maybe I do like someone and that’s the reason why I stayed tonight.’’ _Calming breaths, Vernon_ ‘’Maybe all the lyrics I wrote tonight where about that someone, maybe I needed to take it out somehow because I’m still too confused to even talk about it out loud.’’ His voice was becoming shaky, he wasn’t sure if he just felt nervous or if the shakiness was that panic. ‘’Maybe it hurts to keep it all inside like that and I just needed a way, a way to, to—’’ He wasn’t even looking at Jihoon now, his hands covering his face in frustration. ‘’ –To understand it properly.’’

It was oddly quiet, it wasn’t rare for Jihoon or Chan to be quiet, Vernon himself was part of that quiet club that kept their thoughts inside their heads most of the time, but it felt heavier, a heavier kind of quiet that suddenly was louder than the air conditioning.

They weren’t saying anything, they weren’t, and he panicked.

‘’The song has helped me a little.’’ It was above a whisper now, and he didn’t care if they could hear him. ‘’I guess that listening to the drafts…when it was barely complete, It helped, because the thoughts, the confusing thoughts about him, eased up and I felt like I could breath—’’

‘’Him?’’ He couldn’t ignore Chan for long, apparently.

‘’What?’’ His voice was broken, he knew that, he was overwhelmed and a little scared and the fact that Jihoon was not saying a word was nerve-racking and—

‘’You said him.’’ A sudden wave of emotion, _overwhelming emotion_ , made him blink rapidly, his eyes suddenly felt hot, and there was panic, panic alarms ringing everywhere _, he said him, he said him, he didn’t mean to but he said, he said him_ — ‘’Alright, I’m really confused right now.’’

Vernon had no time to panic about it more than he already was doing when Jihoon spoke up.

‘’Who cares about that?’’ He shushed Chan, but the stern look he was sending to Vernon made him want to bolt, his cheeks were probably red, his eyes felt hot, like holding back embarrassed, or maybe panicked, tears, and he was shaking slightly. ‘’I don’t remember showing you the first draft of the song, so who the heck showed it to you? Tell me so I can strangle them.’’

His mind was a little slow, rushing around in panic, and his words came out faster than he could think of them. ‘’I, uh, Seungkwan showed it to me…a few days back…when we were in the studio, he recorded it…without you knowing.’’ He probably shouldn’t have said that.

‘’Of course he did.’’ He was smiling but he did not look amused.

‘’You are not…going to, like, kill him, right?’’ _Not now, not when he barely figured out his heart raced for the boy._

‘’We’ll see about that.’’

Vernon hoped, deep down, that that was the end of the conversation, he took it out of his chest, Jihoon listened, Chan did too, and as much as he needed advice, he preferred not receiving any from the boys, he wanted them both to end the conversation and never mention it again, but whatever hopes he had for that to happen were crushed to ashes when Chan gasped.

‘’Is it…is it Seungkwan?’’ Chan whispered, realization sinking. ‘’You like him, don’t you?’’ _Did he? Yes, absolutely. Was he ready to say it out loud, clear, for the world to hear? Heck no._

‘’I never said that.’’ He tried defending himself, almost yelling the words, which was hard when the screams of his heart were louder, over and over repeating things that made him shake slightly. ‘’I never said that.’’ He repeated again, softer this time.

‘’I don’t think you have to.’’ Chan said with a fondness to it that was to out of place and out of character for him, his throat felt dry, the saltiness of the ramen that now tasted strangely was doing nothing but making him feel worse. ‘’The fact that you are not denying it is not helping your case.’’

‘’I…I don’t—I mean I…’’ _Great defense, Vernon, very believable._

‘’You…you kept writing about experiences…it felt too real for you to just come up with the words so easily.’’ Jihoon whispered thoughtfully, as if jut processing it all now.

Chan looked at him directly in the eyes, and Vernon was scared something in them gave his feeling away ‘’I knew it, when you wrote about sharing headphones, I knew it felt familiar! You wrote it thinking about him!’’

_He did, he did, he did, but he had no idea why it felt so strong, why it felt like that._

_His eyes started stinging, because the realization was too much, he suddenly felt like just breaking down, letting his confused thoughts pour out, his heart scream, all at once, he was frustrated, he_ _even dare to say he was angry, because those were his feelings, and he couldn’t understand them fully._

‘’Chan? Is he…is he going to cry?’’ Jihoon whispered ‘’Oh, no, he is about to cry, isn’t he? Do something!’’

_It felt stronger, stronger than just ‘’like’’_

_‘’Like’’ was such a small word for how his heart screamed at him._

‘’Why me? You are older, you deal with this!’’

_Why did it feel so strong? Why was ‘’like’’ not enough for him to describe how his heart screamed?_

‘’You are supposed to relate to this stuff, you do something!’’

_Why was ‘’like’’ not enough to describe the late nights without sleeping? The fear of life changing suddenly gone when it was Seungkwan he was talking about? Why was ‘’like’’ not enough for his confused heart?_

‘’You are not even that old!’’

‘’It…it feels…kind of different, though.’’ Vernon whispered when the screaming inside his chest became too much, when it was too much to bear with, when the clicking and understanding came to him fast. ‘’It feels a lot different.’’

_Maybe ‘’like’’ was not enough because he didn’t just ‘’like’’ Seungkwan._

_There was no way he **just** ‘’liked’’ Seungkwan, he couldn’t just ‘’like’’ the boy, maybe it felt stronger, maybe it felt heavier, because the word he was looking for was not something so mundane and common than just ‘’like’’ Because when it came to Seungkwan his feelings grew more than a simple crush, than a simple thinking he is cute, than a simple thinking he is attractive._

_Maybe it felt so heavy to say it and it terrified him because ‘’like’’ was definitely not the word he was looking for._

_Maybe when it came to Seungkwan he couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t help his feelings, hadn’t done that in a while, maybe when it came to Seungkwan feeling was a little too much, everything was a little too much, maybe—_

He choked on air.

_Love._

_Maybe the word he was looking for was Love. Maybe it felt different because he loved Seungkwan._

°|°|°|°|°|°

It was that moment of the day where no light aside from the slight shine of the moon and the fluorescents lights of the city came through the window touching softly every corner of the dorms. It was late, but not late enough for them to be fast asleep, they tiredness of a long day of work was palpable, and most of them where walking around in their cozy pajamas, getting lost in hushed conversations, whispered tones that were not meant to be heard, there was a certain calmness around the place that came with them getting ready to sleep, a quietness with just barely enough noise that came with thirteen boys living together.

The soft sound of the TV was one of the only things Vernon could hear clearly, the movie they were supposed to watch together was still playing faintly in the background, and Vernon would have complained, would have forced the rest of them to stay and watch the movie with him when the boys started walking around, scattering to their rooms, kitchen, bathrooms, leaving Vernon alone in the living room, he would have complained that it was Seungcheol’s pick and he needed to watch it, he would have done it but he was currently too distracted trying to calm his own thumping heart, trying to slow it down or make it stop screaming.

It hasn’t stopped, ever since that not so helpful chat with Jihoon and Chan at two in the morning, his heart hasn’t stopped thumping like that, fast and loud, but also thrilled, because there was a newfound emotion there, a newfound emotion that made him giddy, that made him nervous, made him want to dig deeper into it, but it was an emotion that did nothing but terrify him, because as much as he enjoyed the thrill, the giddiness, he had no clue how to proceed, what to do next, and that alone was scary.

He supposed that if he had talked to someone perceptive, like Wonwoo, or someone with those instincts to help, like Seungcheol, he wouldn’t be in this situation, he would have received good advice and a little push in the right direction, but with Chan, he received a considerable amount of teasing whenever Seungkwan sat too close, and Jihoon basically kidnapped him back at the studio to use his feelings as inspiration.

He wasn’t about to repeat the entire talk with someone else, too embarrassing, too emotional, so he settled for suffering.

He got himself to pry his unfocused eyes from the TV just to stare at the boy that got him on that situation, Seungkwan was standing at the entrance of the living room with a set of blue and white pajamas that made him look so soft, his hair was still damp from the shower he took earlier and he was trying to apply that face cream that would supposedly make the wrinkles disappear, the cream smelled like pears and mint and it was a smell Vernon got used to from all those years of sharing with Seungkwan.

Their eyes met somewhere between Seungkwan cursing at Seokmin for not letting him inside the bathroom and Vernon pretending he was actually watching the movie, if Seungkwan noticed the small tint of red covering Vernon’s cheeks when the eye contact extended for a little too much he didn’t say anything.

‘’Is it good?’’ Seungkwan asked suddenly.

Vernon was a little dazed by how the soft light of the moon mixed with the colors of the streets touched Seungkwan’s hair lightly, how his face looked different under all the dim lighting and how his voice sounded melodious compared to the ones coming from the TV. When Vernon didn’t answer Seungkwan smiled, and he stopped breathing momentarily because Seungkwan was like that, breathtaking. _Beautiful._

‘’The movie, Vernon, is it good?’’ And now Seungkwan was not standing at the entry anymore, he was walking towards the couch; Vernon was still speechless, breath not reaching fully his lungs when Seungkwan sat next to him, the smell of pears and mint enough to make him dizzy. He blinked once, twice, trying get out of that daze, but he was suddenly too drunk on Seungkwan to do it. ‘’Are you sleepy already?’’ Seungkwan asked, giggling a little afterwards. ‘’Nobody is forcing you to watch this, you can go to bed now if you want.’’

The thing is, Vernon didn’t feel like sleeping, not when the painful screams from his heart finally stopped, when there was a buzzing and a fast thumping still there but it felt right somehow, not when, seating next to Seungkwan, he felt like he knew what to do even though he didn’t.

‘’I’m not tired.’’ He retorted, his voice coming out strained because they were seating _so close_ to each other, his heart tugging warmly when he realized they were practically squeezed together in a couch that could easily fit five people. ‘’I thought your plan for tonight was getting to sleep early.’’

That was why he had allowed himself to have one of his emotional crisis on the couch while he pretended to watch a movie, but now Seungkwan was seating right there next to him and it wasn’t helping to his rapidly thumping heart.

Seungkwan snorted at that ‘’ It _was._ ’’ There was frustration hidden in his tone ‘’ Until Dumber there decided to kick me out of the bathroom before I could even finish.’’ A little huff accompanied the statement.

Vernon laughed. ‘’Dumber?’’ He asked softly.

‘’Well, Soonyoung is too smart to be dumber, he is just dumb, and someone has to be dumber, not me though.’’ Seungkwan said, then leaned in closer, only to whisper. ‘’Don’t tell them I call them that.’’ And he tried not to snort, or smile to wide, because it was a nickname the trio kept calling each other.

He nodded anyways, hand going to his lips to seal them close.

Then it felt silent, it was a content silent, because Vernon was not lost in thought, because he was enjoying the warmth and the calm that came with just seating with Seungkwan, it was surprising how seating besides the object of his despair and anxiety made him so calm. His heart kept beating, faster, and faster, but he didn’t feel like throwing up anymore, it felt warm, and safe, and all things nice tinted with a slight sprinkle of nervousness.

Both boys were staring at the TV now, trying to make sense of the change of scenes and dialogue coming from out of it, but Vernon was too distracted, focused on how his knees were touching slightly, on how his shoulders were bumping—

He saw Seungkwan’s lips moving, the boy was saying something but his mind was not registering the sound, it made him feel self-conscious, the fact that he was staring at Seungkwan lips, moving softly, slowly, his cheeks grew hot with embarrassment when he realized he had been staring for too long, so he focused in something else, on Seungkwan’s eyes, droopy from exhaustion, a long day working finally catching with him, he focused on his hair, damp on the middle, fluffy on the edges, with loose strands getting into his eyes, Seungkwan blinking them away furiously, he focused again on the smile in the Seungkwan’s lips, wide, cheeks rising to hide the lower part of his eyes, he looked beautiful, but he also looked—

_Oh. Confused._

_Had he been staring for too long?_

‘’Are you sure you are not tired?’’ Seungkwan’s voice brought him out of his daze. ‘’You keep dozing off.’’ If he wasn’t too confused with his own train of thought he would have noticed the slight concern dripping out of Seungkwan’s tone. ‘’You are not even watching the movie.’’

_Stop, stop it, and don’t stare._

Even though he felt calm seating next to him, the sudden urge to do… _to do something_ , became a little bit unbearable, he wanted to pull those strands of loose hair away from his eyes, he wanted to rest his hand in his cheeks, he wanted to get lost in his eyes, to do all that cheesy stuff that just kept coming and coming over and over, running wild on his mind, he wanted to…maybe he wanted to kiss him but—

But there was no way he could allow himself to do that, not when he was still a little scared. Mortified for the sudden thoughts, he cleared his throat, looking away, his eyes settling on the floor.

‘’Maybe I’m…maybe I’m a little tired after all.’’ He ran a hand over his face, in an attempt to clear his sudden thoughts. ‘’I should probably get some sleep.’’ His plan was getting up from the couch, walk to his room and cocoon himself in some blankets, preparing himself for another sleepless night with Soonyoung’s snores as the only background noise.

But he stayed put, still seating on the couch even when everything inside him was screaming him to stand up, to go, to hide before he did anything stupid without thinking, but the humming inside his heart was something he couldn’t ignore, it felt comfortable, even when it was still racing fast and pumping quickly, it felt nice, and maybe, maybe this time he was actually listening to his reckless heart.

Seungkwan seemed as confused as he felt, _why is he not leaving? Why is he still seating in the couch staring at the floor like that?_

‘’Is everything alright?’’ The smell of pears and mint was stronger, Vernon was not looking at Seungkwan but he felt him getting closer, he felt him shift, he felt the worried hand on his shoulder, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe, his lungs burning with the scent surrounding him, but even then, his heart seemed to hum content and Vernon was not sure what was happening.

_It felt right, he was scared but it felt right._

‘’I’m not…I—’’ It was above a whisper, his voice sounded strained, and for a moment he considered standing up, going to sleep and ask for advice to someone that wasn’t utter garbage at handling feelings like Jihoon or Chan were, but Seungkwan’s worried hand in his shoulder started tracing calming patters slowly and the thought was dismissed. ‘’ –I…I don’t know, I’m not sure’’

He was mainly confused.

Change was a thing that usually terrified him, knowing that certain parts of his life were never going to be the same based on the decisions he made at the moment got him overthinking everything, every detail, but he was usually oblivious to that change, he never realized stuff changing fast until it was too late to go back, he didn’t realize his feelings until it was too late, until they hit him with all force straight in the face with no way of going back, admitting his feelings, saying them out loud, that might change things and Vernon was not sure if he was ready for that.

He was not sure if he could say he liked—No, if he could say he _loved Seungkwan_ —Knowing things could change so quickly. He wasn’t sure if he could say it, not when he was not prepared to deal with that change.

But his heart was stubborn; his heart was pumping, racing fast, and that content feeling, that content feeling settling in his gut, that pleasant humming, the way the nervousness suddenly felt different, almost nice, the way every part of his being was comfortable being around Seungkwan, were enough things for his mind to accept it.

_There’s no way this is a mistake, there’s no way this is wrong, there’s no way expressing yourself is going to get you so much trouble._

So the anxiety quieted down, surprisingly, but the fear was still present as a constant reminder that things could go wrong, however, for once in his life, he decided to listen to his reckless heart, to his stubborn, reckless heart.

‘’It feels…everything feels weird.’’ He started, still looking at the ground, trying not to beat himself up for being _oh so eloquent_.

In moments like this he wished he had Seungkwan’s abilities at talking, he wished the words flowed naturally, with the exact amount of feeling he wanted them to, conveying the message he wanted them to convey correctly, but he had not been blessed like that, he had to work out things with what he had, stumbling over words like he usually did.

The fear settling suddenly was not helping him convey his emotions correctly.

He focused his eyes on the TV again, looking at the still running movie with confusing images, _it’s fine_ , he told himself, steading his breathing, _this is fine._ Seungkwan said nothing, just seating there listening quietly.

‘’Doesn’t…doesn’t it feels weird for you?’’ The newfound bravery, the courage he got to stare directly into Seungkwan’s eyes when he looked up was completely lost when those eyes stared back at him, with a hint of worry but the never-ending support still there. ‘’Doesn’t it feels--? I mean, do you ever feel…different when I’m around?’’

Aside from the surprised blinking, Seungkwan did nothing else.

‘’I…I haven’t slept properly in weeks because…because of you, and every time you are around my heart just…it does this thing where it…it races and doesn’t stop.’’ The anxiety was back when the words left his mouth, racing, mixing with the fear that grew stronger when Seungkwan stopped tracing calming patters on his shoulder. ‘’I…It feels really strange, and, it’s, I mean, I don’t even know what to do.’’ That last sentence came out of his mouth with a little too much emotion, with a little too much contained feelings, with a little too much frustration.

He wasn’t sure why it felt so emotionally charged, why it felt like there was more to the words, and that alone was enough to send another wave of anxiety and fear mixing together, he wasn’t sure if he could hold Seungkwan’s stare for much longer, but he didn’t dare to pry his eyes away from him, he didn’t dare to stop now, if he looked away he might lose the courage he was not even sure where it came from.

He just hoped the look Seungkwan was giving him didn’t mean utter upcoming reject.

‘’I just like you so much and I don’t know what to do about it.’’ Seungkwan’s eyes widened at that, and Vernon felt his cheeks grew red, hot, a sudden urge to hide somewhere. ‘’What should I do about it?’’ That was a whisper, meant for no one to hear it, he wasn’t sure if Seungkwan heard it anyways.

It was silent for a second, maybe two, he made sure Seungkwan wasn’t about to say something before he continued, with red cheeks, a racing heart and a heavy feeling lingering at the tip of his tongue.

‘’Do you…Does it happen to you, too?’’ This was the moment when he wondered if it had been a bad idea after all, Seungkwan’s hand feeling heavy, limp on his shoulder. ‘’Do you lose sleep at night, too?’’ He gulped; he couldn’t hear anything else besides the blood rushing to his ears. ‘’Does your heart races whenever…whenever you see me?’’ It was just his heart racing, just the unsteady thumps of his heart, his throat felt dry. ‘’Do you…treasure memories of me like I do with yours?’’

_Do you feel as confused and frustrated like I do? Do you like me as much as I do?_

Seungkwan wasn’t saying anything, and if it wasn’t for Seungkwan’s rapid blinking Vernon would have thought the boy wasn’t moving at all either. The silence was killing him slowly, the background noise being the TV was not even enough to cover how deadly silent it suddenly became and Vernon started letting his anxiety getting the best of him.

Maybe it was a bad idea after all, maybe he shouldn’t have listened to his reckless heart, maybe he shouldn’t have talked at all without receiving advice first, because maybe if Wonwoo had told him what to do, how to do it, he would have done better, maybe if he received advice first, he would have been prepared when it came to rejection.

He tried to stand, ready to hide in the cocoon of sheets back in his room, but the sudden movement seemed to woken up Seungkwan from the strange trance he was in, and before he could even run, hide, Seungkwan was using the hand on his shoulder to pull him back down to the couch, snaking it around his neck, using the other one to cup his cheek, softly.

His heart went crazy, speeding up to the point of almost stopping.

‘’You are really something.’’ Seungkwan whispered, and there was a small lopsided smile on his face, he looked soft, his eyes were staring at Vernon through heavy lids with something akin to admiration but…But not really, it was a feeling that Vernon had seen before, a look he had seen before, his heart skipped a few beats. ‘’Don’t you dare run away from me now’’ He sounded serious, but his tone was still soft, fond, when he was looking at him like that the words weren’t that threatening, when he was looking at him like…like—

He saw himself reflected in that look, he knew the feeling Seungkwan’s eyes were conveying because it was the same way he looked at Seungkwan when the boy smiled, when the boy sang, when the boy was just enjoying life being himself, a look that he saw in his own face too often, filled with emotion, as if the other boy was everything.

It…it was surreal, for Vernon. His eyes widened and he couldn’t help but hold Seungkwan’s gaze stronger than before, searching those eyes for a clear answer, Seungkwan smiled wider this time, and Vernon’s heart stopped again, Seungkwan looked like he was about to start speaking again, but even when his mouth opened and closed a few times he said nothing, he kept staring for a few more seconds before hugging Vernon tightly.

He found himself being squished on Seungkwan’s arm and even though his lungs were burning, even though his heart was thumping so loud Vernon was scared Seungkwan’s could feel it, he let himself being held tightly, let himself rest his face on the crook of Seungkwan’s neck, let the anxiety and the fear wash away, because Seungkwan’s presence, like that, pressed close together, was enough for him to fully breath again, fully relax.

‘’I’m just going to make myself clear—‘’ Seungkwan whispered so close to his ear, resting his face on Vernon’s neck, hiding in there just like he was doing. ‘’ –By saying that I like you back, a lot, but you said plenty of cheesy things I’m not repeating out loud.’’ He chuckled and Vernon couldn’t help but follow, he was embarrassed, but suddenly he felt glad.

The grip around Seungkwan grew stronger, and he wanted to hold him like that longer, his heart was soaring with those newfound feelings, those newfound emotions, and even though it felt like it was too much, Vernon was sighing happily on Seungkwan’s neck, because he had been craving those words for so, so long.

‘’I still like it, though.’’ Seungkwan whispered again, as if not to disturb too much the so comfortable silence of the embrace. ‘’You, being cheesy, I liked it.’’ Vernon could feel how Seungkwan was trying to hide his face from him, and he chuckled at that.

He was not ready to pull apart; he was not ready to see Seungkwan directly in the eyes again, because as relieved as he felt, he was suddenly really nervous, a shyness so familiar when it came to Seungkwan getting back, settling at the pitch of his stomach next to the nervous feelings and surrounding his racing heart. But they did pull apart eventually, slowly, taking in the situation, the other seating so close, parting ways staring at each other.

Seungkwan’s eyes darted from Vernon’s hair, to his eyes, staring a little too long, to his nose, back to his eyes, as if he was only understanding what was fully happening, as if he couldn’t believe it, Vernon himself was a little dazed. On Seungkwan’s eyes there was a familiar shyness that he himself was fighting with, and when Seungkwan’s eyes settled on his lips for a little too long, Vernon’s mind started screaming in panic, Vernon’s heart started pumping with anticipation.

He needed to do something, he knew that, but he had no clue and the longer Seungkwan stared at his lips the longer he felt like melting. This was new, all of this was new and a lot to take in.

Seungkwan’s hand came back to cupping his cheek, softly, settling there like it was meant to be there, and his eyes kept darting unsure around his face, focusing mainly on his lips, and when he started moving forwards, hand guiding Vernon to meet him in the middle, Vernon’s nervousness came back, but it felt right, whatever was happening felt right.

They were close, so painfully close, Vernon could see Seungkwan’s eyes clearly, could feel his breath ghosting over his skin gently, but none of them moved further close, they stopped, just staring at each other.

‘’Are…are we not going to--?’’

‘’We should probably—’’

Both of them nervous, not knowing how to proceed. It was a rare sight, seeing Seungkwan flustered, and that, mixed with the nervousness and happiness, made Vernon smile, the smile became a nervous snort followed by a nervous laughter, small breathless giggles that Seungkwan found himself copying after a few seconds. Both of them seating so close together just laughing nervously.

‘’Stop!’’ Seungkwan said between smiles. ‘’Stop laughing! I’m nervous, too.’’ And Vernon tried, a smile still on his face ‘’I don’t know what to do, either, so stop laughing.’’ He pouted, and Vernon couldn’t help but laugh lightly again, making Seungkwan hit his chest in embarrassment smartly covered by fake annoyance.

But Vernon was so nervous; he couldn’t help how his chest kept shaking, how his breathing kept coming out ragged, how the nervous giggles kept escaping his mouth. He looked at Seungkwan, eyes focusing fully on his flushed face, his pink cheeks and pouty lips, his embarrassment and nervousness showing too, and staring at each other, the giggles died down, the smiles turned serious again and the only sound besides the fast breathing was the silly movie still playing in the background.

Seungkwan curled his fingers a little on the hairs at the back of Vernon’s head, bringing him closer, and Vernon didn’t hesitate this time, the nervousness in his stomach was still there, was still making him shake, making him want to hide, but he moved forwards too. It was slow, they always went slow and Vernon couldn’t help but close his eyes when he felt Seungkwan’s breath too close, _too too close_ , he wasn’t sure what to do with his hands, so he left them resting on Seungkwan’s shoulders casually and he was trying for his mind not to panic.

When their lips met, however, Vernon didn’t have to worry anymore. They felt soft, soft and sweeter than anything, he felt self-conscious for a minute because his own lips were a little bit chapped and dry, but Seungkwan didn’t seem to mind, moving his lips experimentally against Vernon with such grace. Vernon heart stopped beating, he was sure of that, he couldn’t concentrate in anything else that wasn’t Seungkwan, Seungkwan so close to him, conveying feelings he couldn’t express with words, feelings a little too strong for words to held them.

It was slow when they came back to their senses, when Vernon could hear again the movie playing faintly in the background and his surroundings weren’t blurred by the excitement, even still his focus was fully on Seungkwan, who had redder cheeks than before, who was smiling at him radiantly, who was just staring at him with this new feeling he hasn’t seen in his eyes before that clearly but knew too well what it meant.

His lips were itching, a funny feeling surrounding him, and he wanted to say _it_ , but he hesitated a little before opening his mouth, because maybe…maybe he was not ready—

But deep down he knew better, deep down he knew that the moment when the feelings became a little too strong, a little too unsure to still be friendship, was not completely clear on Vernon’s mind, but he knew he had been feeling like that for a while, he had been feeling frustrated for not being able to give a name to the sudden feelings, he had been feeling like that since he was still an awkward teenager.

He wondered for a moment if he needed to wait longer to actually say the words, but deep down he knew he had waited enough.

‘’I love you.’’ He said, clearly for Seungkwan to hear, his heart was beating fast, but he wasn’t going to take the words back, he means it, he had been waiting long enough to say them.

Seungkwan squawked, surprised, blushing furiously, looking anywhere but Vernon, it took him a minute or two to compose himself fully to answer back.

‘’I, yeah, I do…too.’’ And it came out high pitched, strained, but he could see the sincerity, they nervousness, Vernon smiled at those words, for now it was all he needed.

He was never a fan of change, usually to naïve to understand half of the things that were happening, but seating there, with Seungkwan on the living room a little too late in the night already, Vernon didn’t feel scared of change anymore, didn’t feel scared of not knowing what to do.

Maybe change was good, maybe change was good when it was with Seungkwan, when he could allow himself to _change with_ Seungkwan, to grow together with him, sure, half of the time he didn’t know what to do, how to do it, but maybe he didn’t need to know, not always, he could figure it out along the way and he was happy it was Seungkwan the one his heart choose to figure those stuff, those complicate life stuff, together.

_He was clueless, still, but it was alright, because he had Seungkwan._

_It has always been Seungkwan._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all so much to reaching this point, I hope you enjoyed it.  
> Again, kudos are comments are greatly appreaciated.  
> I am expecting to post some christmas stuff before New Years tho, let's see if we get that done.  
> I hope yall had really happy holidays and I wish you all a happy new year in case I don't make it with my other projects.  
> -L.  
> Edit 29/12/19: So, I haven't really figured out how formatting works on ao3, and when I went to look at the work on my phone it looked so weird, hopefully is fixed now, I just need to like...learn how to properly post stuff, be patient with me.


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